Today I wish to share with all of you my 5 year long personal journey of transformation. Before continuing, for those who wish to explore my chart, my birth details are as follows: December 5th, 1980, 9:06AM, Ahmedabad India.
The story begins in 2006 as pluto had just crossed over my natal Neptune in the 12th house while the actual trigger of the entire experience that I am about to reveal was in mid-2005 when I was given a book of palmistry by a colleague. Between that point and March 2006, my relationship with my girlfriend was going bad and eventually ended in Dec. 2005. From March 2006 onwards, I felt a compulsive need to find answers and started probing into Vedic Astrology. The primary driver in my ego was the desire to gain greater control over my life after understanding life processes. So here began my compulsive obsessive journey into finding answers. I dismissed western astrology outright at that point thinking that since vedic is so granular and complex it must be better. For a whole year, I studied vedic (compulsively) every waking moment and slept 3 hours a day. Looking back, it looks like I was on auto-pilot. I went down and down the spiral. Listened to mp3 lectures from renowned vedic astrologers all over the world. Searched all forums and articles for answers. The more I searched the more complex things became..astrologers sharing different techniques for interpretation..predictions became more difficult..with time..I could do very good granular predictions (timing events). However, I was not impressed that I couldn't get the whole picture. So, I probed further..and reached 2007 mid..great pressure starting building up inside..I cried tears of blood the whole year..still I kept probing..trying to find the cause of my pain..nothing..just got more pain..banged my head on the wall..held a picture of a deity against my chest and rocked on the floor..wishing for death each day..though, still kept probing..cried for mercy..screamed..abused the angels..the whole of 2007..just cried..cried..cried..and cried. Every ounce of my WILL was needed..endurance was broken once..twice..thrice..and countless number of times...it was like breaking a rubber band into a million pieces..and then breaking each piece further in another million and a chain reaction that went on..and on..and on..for as many number of times..as there are stars in the sky.
2007 turned in 2008..and then in January of 2008..ended my vedic astrology studies as I discovered pluto..shifted to western..things began to make sense albeit ever so slightly..I realized that vedic 23 deg difference misrepresented my asc..which in actuality is Capricorn under western and true representation of my external personality..zipped all vedic stuff..pushed it out of my computer into an external drive. And then began the journey of western astrology..it was a piece of cake compared to vedic interpretation challenges..the pain was still there..and I could feel my brain..heating up the entire year..the exploration of western astrology continued..and I could see the bigger picture of my life..my identity..and I dont know why granular timing with Vedic works fantastically..but because of the 23deg difference vedic should not be used to understand yourself..and on an on I went on..losing my mind at times..thinking I was crazy..questioning each definition..each word..each term..2008 was mostly about fighting with god..while 2007 was agony beyond words..this was even worse and I was unable to cry..agony beyond exaggeration..2008 was total darkness..complete and utter isolation..despair..compulsive contemplation...lost..completely lost..stranded..knowing nothing..with nothing to do..nothing to say..nothing..I surrendered.
2009 January..I died. My false identity was dead..for the first three seconds every morning..I had no idea who I was..for the remaining hours..my emotional state was changing every 2 hours..if I was frustrated in the morning..I would be happy the next two hours..depressed the next two..angry the next two..and so on. However, as my identity died..I could breathe..for two months..I inhaled air so fresh..so clean..so pure..I experienced ecstasy in subsequent 2 months..which I remember I completely loved for a while and then called it irrational exuberance..couldn't understand why the hell was I experiencing it..there was no basis..though, i was just happy that agony was subsiding.. 2009 was lost in the clouds year. No..the exploration did not end..I discovered the evolutionary stages by Jeff Green..talked with a few of you on the school of evolutionary astrology forum (see my last year's post Pluto Transits). And, then I began on a journey to explore the sabian symbols..I recorded all symbols for my natal chart..for all planets and ASC/DSC/IC/MC of my solar return charts for the years 2000 - 2050.. and then it started making sense.. the sabians explained everything..and here are the symbols for my years in crisis..discovered through research that Moon's actual degree Sabian symbols in Solar return charts. YYYY year solar return chart shows what happens till that date in the year...(just cut pasting what I had sent to a friend..interpretations are mine)
old: Standing apart from the passing stream of well-dressed shoppers, two Chinamen in San Francisco are talking Chinese.
new: TWO CHINESE MEN TALKING CHINESE IN A WESTERN CROWD.
Interpretation: Alienation due to unusual communication, understanding of a different type of information not of common culture
What happened in my life?: Different attitude and way of expressing myself landed me in trouble with authority figures. Start of the study of astrology explains the second part.
Gem 17 The head of a handsome youthful athlete slowly changes into a different type of beauty, the mature thinker.
Gem 18 Standing apart from the passing stream of well-dressed shoppers, two Chinamen in San Francisco are talking Chinese.
Gem 19 In the somber archives of a sedate museum a large archaic volume is somewhat conspicuously displayed.
old:It's a seer's dream; vast masses of humanity push forward in frantic effort to cross the black chasm of knowledge.
new:MANKIND'S VAST ENDURING EFFORT FOR KNOWLEDGE TRANSFERABLE FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION.
Interpretation: Enduring pursuit of knowledge
What happened in my life?: Intense study of astrology the entire year! Seriously felt like going down and down into a spiral of knowledge. Enduring is a fucking understatement!
Lib 28 A man stands alone in surrounding gloom; were his eyes open to spirit things he would see helping angels arriving.
Lib 29 It's a seer's dream; vast masses of humanity push forward in frantic effort to cross the black chasm of knowledge.
Lib 30 The phrenologist is reading bumps for his clients; he explains three mounds of knowledge on a philosophers head.
old: Almost as if possessed with man's intelligence a tiny squirrel remains watchful on a limb hidden from the hunter's .
new: A SQUIRREL HIDING FROM HUNTERS.
Interpretation: Observation, Reflection
What happened in my life?: Yup, bang on! Complete inner withdrawal to understand whatever I had been through till then
Pis 01 The public market is thronged with people and all are good-natured and hurried on a late Saturday afternoon.
Pis 02 Almost as if possessed with man's intelligence a tiny squirrel remains watchful on a limb hidden from the hunter's .
Pis 03 A dull expanse of rocky formations turns out to be a petrified forest or an eternal record of life lived long ago.
old: A young woman, neatly attired in outing clothes, eyes softened by dreaming, awaits a sailboat headed toward her.
new: A YOUNG WOMAN AWAITING A SAILBOAT.
Interpretation: Waiting for opportunity, clarity, breakthrough
What happened in my life?: I am freaking waiting for clarity of my goals since the freaking start of the freaking year and the wait just doesn't freaking end..
Can 21 The magnificent opera house with its glittering audience rests in silence; the prima donna is singing.
Can 22 A young woman, neatly attired in outing clothes, eyes softened by dreaming, awaits a sailboat headed toward her.
Can 23 A serious little study group, a literary club, has met for social and intellectual fellowship in some member's home.
old:A mother is leading her children up a broad flight of steps. they enjoy the task of lifting little feet.
new:A MOTHER LEADS HER SMALL CHILD STEP BY STEP UP THE STAIRS.
Interpretation: Forward movement, Guidance
What happened in my life?: Let's hope so....
Sag 08 In the caldron of the universe the rocks and world stuff are in the process of formation; the metals glint within.
Sag 09 A mother is leading her children up a broad flight of steps. they enjoy the task of lifting little feet.
Sag 10 In a pageant of progress a glorious little maid with golden hair enacts the part of the goddess of opportunity.
The story is not yet finished..the understanding was proceeding at a very fast pace..this analysis was probably done during mid 2009..from then on..in august 2009..i stumbled upon an article on the "Dark Night of the Soul"..and that's when the whole drama was understood..after much googling..I found more information on it at (http://www.mountainrunnerdoc.com/page/page/1523597.htm)..understood
that I have been through a "Dark night of the Sense"..a stage prior to the "Dark night of the Spirit"..which I may go through in 2030..(as per sabians)..the recognition of the experience..initiated the healing..and then I discovered..Mr. Bashar on youtube.com.
.you must watch it..more information came flowing in..realizations started coming in..actively..concluding at:
"EXISTENCE IS A PARADOX. THE OBJECTIVE IS UNITY." - Tarun
The surrender continues till date.. There are no more questions.. The metamorphosis is going on.. The structural understanding of existence has been obtained.. the awakening remains.. the mind is cloudy yet there is peace and calm..there is NO pain..the memories of the past have faded..an unattached remembrance of some events like the one's above is there..however, no feeling of these..
Oh ya..what about free will (in sense of manifestation) vs. fate?. Here's the answer:
"The future already exists.. experiences are already scheduled.. "how you experience" is the choice you MAY/CAN have, if you are self aware, not what you experience in life..free will..yes, it exists.. but not until you unite your conciousness with the higher self/oversoul..it's not free will (in the sense of manifest anything you want) until then and then it isn't your will...but you execute that automatically because by the time you get there you already are the higher self"
old:An empty hammock hangs between two lovely trees.
new:AN EMPTY HAMMOCK HANGS BETWEEN TWO LOVELY TREES.
Ari 17 Two prim spinsters are sitting together quietly.
Ari 18 An empty hammock hangs between two lovely trees.
Ari 19 A magic carpet hovers over the depressing reality of every day life in an industrial area.
old: A carrier pigeon comes swiftly through the early light of morning, and flutters to the feet of a group of fanciers.
new:A CARRIER PIGEON FULFILLING ITS MISSION.
Leo 21 A few chickens who have gotten at some fermented seed, and are happily intoxicated
Leo 22 A carrier pigeon comes swiftly through the early light of morning, and flutters to the feet of a group of fanciers.
Leo 23 The scene is a circus-crowded with spectators, and in a moment of hush a bareback rider performs extraordinarily.
old: Back against the mountains towards the East that fringe the roof of the world a fire worshipper is meditating.
new:A FIRE WORSHIPPER MEDITATES ON THE ULTIMATE REALITIES OF EXISTENCE.
Cap 12 A student is lecturing and conjuring up dancing pictures of distant wonders before each listener.
Cap 13 Back against the mountains towards the East that fringe the roof of the world a fire worshipper is meditating.
Cap 14 A vast pile of Mayan ruins in tropical America discloses a perfectly preserved bas-relief carved in the granite.
old: An immensely tall entranceway is closed by heavy and dark velvet portieres; a woman in white draws these aside.
new: A WOMAN DRAWING ASIDE TWO DARK CURTAINS THAT CLOSED THE ENTERANCE TO A SACRED PATHWAY.
Sco 19 A wise old parrot has been listening attentively to the conversation and preening himself; now he begins to talk.
Sco 20 An immensely tall entranceway is closed by heavy and dark velvet portieres; a woman in white draws these aside.
Sco 21 A soldier runs the risk of court-martial in remaining absent without leave, but a lovely miss clings to him.
old:A handsome grilled gateway opens to the garden of all desired things. s
new:THE GATE OPENS TO THE GARDEN OF ALL FULFILLED DESIRES.
Ari 21 A pugilist flushed with life and strength is entering the ring.
Ari 22 A handsome grilled gateway opens to the garden of all desired things.
Ari 23 A woman clothed in the delicate tints of early summer is seen carrying a heavy and valuable yet veiled burden.
old:A solitary camel crosses the desert with his rider; he is indifferent to the hazards of storm and lack of supplies.
new:A LARGE CAMEL CROSSING A VAST AND FORBIDDING DESERT.
Leo 24 A strange figure is revealed, outwardly unprepossessing, untidy, unkempt, he is a yogi of transcendent powers.
Leo 25 A solitary camel crosses the desert with his rider; he is indifferent to the hazards of storm and lack of supplies.
Leo 26 A perfect rainbow forms slowly in the summer rain as the sun begins to break through the rather thin cloudbanks.
old: A highly sophisticated magic ritual is displayed with the central figure as a heavily veiled prophet of power.
new: A VEILED PROPHET SPEAKS, SEIZED BY THE POWER OF GOD.
Cap 06 A dark archway in the forest leads to greater depths and darkness beyond, in its shade lie an even ten logs.
Cap 07 A highly sophisticated magic ritual is displayed with the central figure as a heavily veiled prophet of power.
Cap 08 A huge living room in an old fashioned frame mansion is flooded with sunlight and the canaries are singing happily.
old: A magnificent public park spreads its charm before the eye in a vista that awes the loftiest spirit.
new:A LARGE WELL KEPT PUBLIC PARK.
Tau 24 A mounted Indian brave rides proudly with human scalps as trophies at his belt.
Tau 25 A magnificent public park spreads its charm before the eye in a vista that awes the loftiest spirit.
Tau 26 A Spanish gallant stands at the window grill of his love, serenading her with the softer melodies of night.
old: A worker's shift is finished and the miners emerge from their grimy hole into the daylight and life above ground.
new: MINERS ARE EMERGING FROM A DEEP COAL MINE.
Lib 11 A kindly old professor, from (behind) his battered desk looks out over his eyeglasses at a class eagerly awaiting his words.
Lib 12 A worker's shift is finished and the miners emerge from their grimy hole into the daylight and life above ground.
Lib 13 A children's birthday party is in progress; on a side porch a group of youngsters are blowing soap bubbles.