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Author Topic: Chart Practice with Client Feedback: Stephen  (Read 5961 times)
Lesley
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« Reply #15 on: Jun 15, 2009, 11:18 AM »

...actually, it's a Full phase opposition between your Mars and Neptune (I knew that! I posted it in my last reply!)...the notion of right work through giving your own experiences a relevant social context is thus underscored. (Sorry!)
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stephen
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« Reply #16 on: Jun 15, 2009, 08:21 PM »

Hi Everyone again,

Thanks Lesley for your input of course it contains a lot of truth! In itself everything you said is true in a way, but I would like to add to it and point out why this aspect is only one part of the truth relative to the soul‘s evolutionary journey. What I am trying to say is that the soul is 1) dealing with a double skipped step (mars neptune, 2nd 8th) and also the soul is dealing with an underlying paradox relative to it‘s own soul level consciousness. (saturn in aq. and in 11th: EVERYTHING in this chart is defined by the paradox itself! This is the current STRUCTURE of the soul’s consciousness and it confused the heck out of the soul.) Unless we understand the paradoxical nature of the soul and unravel the reasons for the skipped steps we (in my view) can’t have an objective picture of this chart and of Stephen’s soul issues.

So considering the above lets try to understand the nature of of the ‘skipped steps’ and lets try to unravel from the symbols what and around when the soul experienced which resulted in the underlying extreme tension of the skipped steps (mars, neptune, taurus scorpio, I believe we can agree from these symbols that the tension is at minimum EXTREMELY INTENSE, and it is so for a very long time; i.e. mars is moving slowly out of exact square so it has been so for a long time, while neptune is still only 1 degree apart of exact square so this part of the skipped steps is still extremely intense (scorpio, 8th house I guess we don’t need intensity more than that :-) )

  Thank you very much Lia for this continuation of your analysis.  I can tell that you have placed large amounts of both your time and energy into this analysis, and I will respond in kind, by placing my energy and time into attempting an understanding of the details of what you have written, and to providing feedback in those ways which I can.  I can only validate what I know, and feel.  So, to that end, I have my chart in the one hand and your analysis in the other, so to speak.

  Honestly, I find that the staying power of my mind is waning when I am trying to focus on these postings and this issue.  It is as if my ego-mind has realized that if it withdraws its energies, then I will somehow be unable to understand what is being said, and so will be unable to act upon it.  (One of the very unpleasant side-effects of the ‘fugues’ is a rapid decrease in my IQ.  I am often literally unable to understand something which I know that before the ‘fugue’ hit I was able to not only understand by absolutely penetrate mentally.)  Please forgive me if my posts are uneven, or if I do not respond to each line in each paragraph.  I have printed this post, and will reread it many times as I internalize the message.

  Oh yes, intense…yet the intensity had in the past in too many times been dimmed by self-abuse (substance abuse, and abuse through excess amounts of physical exercise, among other types) and the absolute negation and numbing of my own heart and feelings (as you stated in your previous post).  However, this process intruded without my ability to dim it when (about two years ago) I started to follow exercises to open my heart.  This attempt to open my heart, which I had suddenly felt was my right as an emotional being, had the unalterable side-effect of opening the door once again to the constant seesaw of this flip-flopping tension, me against me.  This continued, but then for some reason began to become even more intense just at the turning of this year.  Unstoppably unalterably intense…

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Why I am talking about this in details is because obviously we need to understand Stephen’s saturn in a PARADOXICAL way, (11th and aq!!) for that’s the key to understand both, it’s consciousness structure and the issues that traumatised Stephen’s soul and caused the double paradoxical skipped steps; equalling to choices the soul made that indeed cased harm and hurt to others too. But to me the question is why?

  Yes, both why? and how (to achieve a healing for this choice, once made, and still, on some level, being made again and again)…?

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At those early times of the transition the soul was actually a woman (asteroid. lilt conj pluto, conj. lucifer, WHILE that lucifer also conj. black moon lilith! So the healing of the original female principle in this chart is happening via unravelling what was the evil trick at the first place!...pluto conj. lilith the soul have come to a full circle so to speak...it all started as  a WOMAN and not as a man.......next to this juno, ceres, vesta conj. in cancer in the 4th ruled by moon in 12th conj. chiron; the DEEPEST wound of the soul happened to it's belief system and happened as a woman...it all happened to it's feminine/feeling/emotional principle....and the deepest confusion happened via giving something totally unconditionally (chiron in pisces) as a woman (moon) outside of the visible ‘scenery’ (12th house) and out of some kind of some kind of confused belief (12th house) thinking believing (12th house) that it is a service (6th house virgo lilith)..service to whom? Her children.... in that age her beloved sons....
The first application of the uranus in the 5th is started with the unexpected ‘reward’ (uranus in leo in the 5th) for the gift (5th house, leo) the soul could give at those times: something it inherited indeed: and that was the divine origin AS A WOMAN (ruled by sun in cancer, which is ruled by moon in the 12th, which is ruled by neptune in 8th..so back to the origin, the very reason for the skipped step at the very first place)
The unexpected ‘reward’ was actually being murdered by it’s own son, or sons, or their closest friends after the gift has been passed on...the divinity so to speak (not only Egypt, every early patriarchy started with BEING BORN out of a woman who was considered as a direct descendandt of the divine....it is still present in evey mythology, and for example the judeo-chrisitan trandition, why on earth still today the jewis tradition, one of the most patriarchal religion considers one to be truly jew only if their MOTHER was a jew...not their father...interesting paradox isn't it?? )
Anyhow, so again the soul experienced the first trauma and the first and deepest shock as a mother (vesta, ceres, juno: who have been putting itself into the position out of love, out of supporting what the sons and the male friends of the son wanted, to make the son socially accepted 'divine' by making him equal first partner, and then elevate the son into the role of being the 'king' with full power during the transition. Sacrifising herself (moon in 12th) and giving unconditionally this way...that's what they asked from the soul and it has given it out of love and behand the scenes out of deceit.........The beliefs and the total trust the soul had at that time have been fundamentally betrayed for it believed that this new social order that those elitist sons of the (once) leading women wanted was something good ...the soul believed what they said and taught to the poeple was true....the instant unexpected death by the hand of the most beloved (son and partner) was such a trauma that it broke the soul heart even in death. It not just broke it it is like a bomb (uranus) in the middle of the heart (leo) by it's most beloved son and lover (leo and 5th house) that blew its heart into pieces....The serving of the social whole became serving men who wanted the power at all cost, and in the soul's own history it started with those the soul loved most (Uranus in the 5th, and in leo: trauma to heart by those one passionately loves....+ neptune in 8th house, there is such an IDEALISED projection onto those the soul loves and merges with and it has been of course sexualised ...the other issue about this is the sexual karma to top the whole thing......for in fact many the soul have merged with had ulterior agendas and because of the pisces moon/chiron/jup thing those others have been extremely deceptive with  hidden ulterior, and eventually evil agendas)

  This is an incredible analysis Lia.  Brilliant…This has echoes in events in my life which would take awhile to explain.  However, the short version:  The Egyptian link is very right on, for I have lived a life as a Priestess of the Mysteries, and know this only because that life was awoken when I was present during an intense retelling of the Myth of Isis and Osiris.  In the retelling, I was overwhelmed by a flood of energy which impacted against my chest, and caused me to feel/act out/relive the entire myth, even parts of it which I did not previously know, and those in advance of the mythteller!  I say this only to validate your reading with an event from my experience, for in and of itself it has but little meaning.

To me, this chart this soul consciousness is the walking paradox itself....I really think it is demonstrating the heart of the great drama of human evolution, how our most idealistic and best intentions can lead to the most horrible experiences simply because we didn’t know enough and totally misunderstood the events that happened that we experienced...than relative to what we understood were trying to improve something that may lead to even more horror, and than our anger and confusion lead to make choices (that in the very same time always served our specific evolutionary needs, however it could serve only within the whatever understanding our soul had at any point of time)
So in this case the soul’s acceleration to the 1st spiritual started by the very traumas it experienced in the 3rd individuated and it kind of rushed the soul ahead in paradoxical ways....
Eventually the soul was trying to cut off and alienate (uranus) from its own heart (leo, 5th house) in order to survive (taurus mars square to uranus in leo) and that in itself of course in a paradoxical way (uranus) also traumatised the soul....then it realised survival without a feeling/loving heart worth NOTHING at all...so then it wanted to kill itself ....

  Yes, and more, for the wish of the Soul-death came out of the desperate desire to end the insanity of the confusion of numbness, and nothing to live for…and feeling too much, and too much heart-pain to live through.  Actually, the speed of that has now accelerated.  It was only a bad day or three in every week or two, but since beginning reading these responses to the original posting, every day now flips back and forth between the extremes.  Is it possible that just reading this information ‘loosens’ some aspect of this issue?  For example, the information above of a son once killing me as his mother fills me with remorse, and I got almost physically ill and yet was energized with a strange dark energy at the same time.  I had to run outside and work myself into a sweat with a staff, then I rollerbladed with a frenzy, and then my son and I played first rollerblade tag, and then we played soccer.  Now, I am with a headache, neck ache and pain in my stomach, and a strange dizzy shifting of the horizon, as if I am on a ship in calm waters yet with a gentle swell.  This seemed to have started the instant I read that section in your post, Lia.  Is this the path to healing these ‘fugues’ to expose the elements which began this sickness in my Soul?

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When it loved it typically loved the kind of people who blow it’s heart to pieces....(uranus in leo, 5th AND neptune in 8th, in scorp.) the ulterior agendas coming out of the veils at one point causing such disillusionment (neptune) and heartbreak (uranus) that again it just didn’t seem to worth living OR caused such anger that the soul totally shut down (mars in taurus) and didn’t want to know anything but what it can do to survive via utilising the whatever resources it had....

  Yes, in this life, before this current marriage, my heart was shattered by the betrayal of my first wife – a betrayal that I helped to instigate by being withdrawn and isolated and unfeeling.  It took the betrayal to break my heart into feeling, and for that I am grateful.  Yet, paradoxically, the betrayal awoke the feelings of the absolute pain of that very betrayal, a betrayal which maybe would not have occurred if the feelings had been active before.

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I believe this is one of the most important lessons that your soul is trying to learn via all the soul- and heart breaking paradoxes your soul went through just to realise (via fully entering into the 1st spiritual) that it is all okay...every soul makes mistakes, every soul has been confused, every soul has experienced the total desperation of anguish and horror about BOTH OTHERS AND ONESELF! There is no way otherwise....those who believe there is another way are still in neptunian illusion....
so we are all equal (deep within your consciousness there is some conscious knowledge about this underlying equality...saturn in aq.)
In this life your soul is culminating all the beliefs that the soul had in the past, and trying to realise the real Source...trying to fully enter into the spiritual state via conscious realisation of what the Source really is about....
On that note one of the most important lesson to learn is not only to recover the paradoxical skipped steps but also embracing them in a way that your soul can really learn to FORGIVE within the embraced fundamental equality that your soul suspected but was confused about (neptune’s pointing back to s.node and saturn) To learn to forgive (pisces) to everyone for their mistakes YOURSELF INCLUDED! It is all about the substance (consciousness) experiencing itself via the experiences it creates for itself....a very confusing term but that’s exactly what we do :-)....and at the end in the TRUE NATURAL GOD/ESS’ EYES we are all equal and equally loved....unconditionally....the mistakes of every soul are totally equal in god/ess’ eyes...why? Because our mistakes are our greatest teachers...we can’t learn from intellectual knowledge we only learn via experiences...
 

  Forgiveness of others for the mistakes that they make is something that I am starting to understand, yet I have not thought of that in this way.  Forgiveness of others for what I perceive that they ‘have done’ to me is coming very slowly for me, and forgiveness of myself is something that I am as yet unable to contemplate.  Still do I apparently (and needlessly) hold the pain of this issue very close to my heart.  When the pain is dominant, then there appears to be no solution and even no other way of living.  Alternatively, when my heart is still and I can accept the love of another, then at that time, the times of pure pain seem as if a dream I once saw in a dimly-remembered movie.

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One of the most important thing about this (to me) is the simple knowledge (gemini) that everything has another side...this leads to the higher aspect of mercury/gemini : aquarius...the paradox itself....
and the paradox leads back to the where it came from: the source of the paradox is the Source of all things, god/ess itself...to help and to teach us about our OWN paradoxical nature as a subjective consciousness, soul....we learn objectivity via learning about our own subjectivity.....and via that we can understand other soul’s subjectivity and can see them and ourselves ever more objectively at the end...and that’s what helps us to get ever closer to the ultimate truths, the ultimate meaning, the ultimate ‘goal’ of life...realising what’ behind it all...neptune, 12th, pisces...god/ess itself with eternal love waiting for us with open arms at the end of the rocky journey....and that’s where your soul is heading of course to embrace the natural god, to culminate the false believes embrace, understand and forgive all the consequences but understand and embrace it with LOVE and COMPASSION instead of rejection and judgment towards your own soul....
Well at least that’s how I see it....so again I agree to a certain degree what Lesley have seen in the chart, what I am saying is just that IT IS NOT THE WHOLE picture, it is but a consequence (confused and paradoxical consequence) of what happened before....

I hope this make sense?
 

Thank you Lia…a very overwhelming and yet welcome post.  It makes sense, and will make further sense as I read it over several more times.  You are a wonderful helping Soul, and your ability with EA is simply astounding to me.

Blessings to You,
and Peace to All Beings,
Stephen

« Last Edit: Jun 19, 2009, 08:47 PM by stephen » Logged
stephen
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« Reply #17 on: Jun 15, 2009, 08:44 PM »

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It is so wonderful to see you moving firmly into the EA community by following your Soul’s desire to find the healing, support, and commiseration that it needs. So many of us can relate to your experiences. Because of your natural compassion, sincerity, and purity of intention (Moon/Jupiter/Chiron in 12th/Pisces, oppose Pluto in Virgo/6th), you are a natural vehicle for healing work, as you already sense within yourself. I know how I feel when I read your words, and how beautifully your intention comes through them -- your Soul speaks directly to others’ Souls. I hope that you will consider doing something with writing (3rd house Sun, 3rd house Mercury in Gemini trine Saturn/South Node in Aquarius/11th, Pluto in Virgo/6th ruled by the Mercury) as you continue to heal, and progressively work to heal others as well.

Hi Lesley,

  First I just want to thank you, and everyone here who is helping me and so many others, by providing this service.  Simple peace is what I seek, and I am sure that many others do as well.  Anyone who wanders past this site will perhaps see a Soul receiving fellowship and trying desperately to eventually learn how to create a space of peace for itself, and they may then reach out from their own place of personal pain, and take what is rightly theirs…healing of their own Soul and finding a place of gentleness toward themselves and others in their own hearts.
  I DO NOT SEE IN ME WHAT YOU SEE IN ME.  I asked my wife, why is it that she sees this?  How is it that she sees this?  I do not mean to fool anyone into seeing something that is not there!  And, dearheart that she is, my wife says, I see that…
  As for writing, if there is something to say, I write it down.  If there is nothing to say, I don’t write (much.  Ego-mind just loves to listen to itself, doesn't it!).  Hopefully, if it is True and will truly help others, then I will be led to write at least THAT.  However, I have journals full of this painful journey...for a Soul in pain seems to be a Soul which tries to express that pain.  Souls exist in a realm of poetry, I think…and an intensity of feeling – either dark or brilliant – awakens in the Soul a greater desire to express itself.
  I am suddenly thinking that perhaps Souls only have action, and expression, at their command.

  I would have to repeat what I said in the previous post:  Please forgive me, for I think that I am becoming perhaps more and more uneven in my expressions in these posts, as something for me is unraveling a bit recently.  Or, maybe, I am removing some of the filters through which I past each word as it travels from mind through finger to keyboard to reader.

  These are my true feelings, even if my current 'fugue' of today is placing a dimming filter between me and my attempt to express myself.

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As I mentioned before, I too am a 6th house Pluto in Virgo (learned/internalized/institutionalized guilt, as through monotheistic religions like Catholicism/Christianity, Judaism, and Islam), and I’ve also got lots of Capricorn/Saturn (natural guilt for misuse of personal abilities in prior lives). I have felt, for many lifetimes now, that I do not deserve to be healed, that God wouldn’t want me back, that God somehow abandoned me...and yet, like you, I have a natural desire to help others, to see others succeed and find peace and happiness (Pluto-Mars opposition, Full phase, with Mars in 12th. Mars also trines Neptune, 1st qtr phase). I’ve had to use my rational Virgo/6th house Moon to ask myself, “Why, if I want others to find joy, do I not want that for myself? Is this really the way God wants it -- that everyone else deserves and receives healing and forgiveness except me?” The narcissism within myself was exposed in an almost humorous way, at that point. Because everybody on the planet has screwed up, at some point(s). In the eyes of God, I believe, no one’s mistakes are any worse than anyone else’s...it is all for the sake of learning, growth, and evolution. Even with the mistakes made, it is a really beautiful path we walk to ever more knowledge and direct experience of God.

  That is really a beautiful expression of a Soul’s awakening understanding of one facet of its many-sided journey.  You seem to have the ability to reach out and touch another with your words, even as what you had attributed to me, for that statement has an impact on me.  Additionally, I am having even a physical reaction to reading these posts.  Is that part of the healing?  Intellectually, I am on-board with the concepts that you are so clearly expressing.  Emotionally, there are deep things stirring under the surface, and yet I do not know if these posted words are even reaching that depth.  As I sit here, I alternate between numbness, and dizziness.  Is it the knowledge which will free me?  (‘Listen up, ego-mind…HERE is something for you to contemplate.’)

  Perhaps it is as in Homeopathy, where each imbalance is brought to the surface, and healed, only to bring up the next deeper layer of imbalance.  And, only what is brought to the surface can be healed...?

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Natural guilt is a very natural reaction to actions we took that violated Natural Law: natural guilt (which correlates with Saturn, 10th house, and Capricorn) for violating Natural Law is thus part of Natural Law itself. It is through this natural guilt that we are realigned with Natural Law, and with God. Natural guilt thus serves a very important purpose. But it is when the Soul gets stuck on that natural guilt (or learned guilt....any kind of guilt), that our evolution stalls. This is part of the skipped steps in your chart, with Mars in Taurus in 2nd oppose Neptune in Scorpio in 8th, squaring the nodal axis in Aquarius/11th and Leo/5th, and with Mars-Neptune squaring that natal Saturn as well. Neptune in Scorpio/8th is truly a battle for the Soul between the dual urges of regeneration/metamorphosis and total destruction. Opposed to Mars in gibbous phase (gibbous phase correlates to extreme self-criticism, which can induce self-loathing), there will be spiritual crises and crises within the Soul itself (Scorpio/8th) to induce self-knowledge so that the Soul can make necessary adjustments within itself, which will allow the social role (which correlates to the Full phase opposition at 180 degrees) to be fulfilled in the appropriate way, in concert with Divine Will (Mars oppose Neptune and sq Nodes. Mars and Pluto, as rulers of the solar plexus chakra, correlate to our will, others’ will, and Divine Will).

  There is an inkling here of something…the concept of a Natural God’dess…swells my heart and stills my mind.  There is sheer power in THAT idea.  There is peace there…I feel ‘something?’  An echo of something I knew, or should know…  What are the parameters of this Natural Law?  What is natural is effortless and thus this is the law…?
  “This is part of the skipped steps in your chart…”  So, learning that guilt itself IS a part of Natural Law, and SO TO NO LONGER STUCK ON THE GUILT PATTERN, is a step that my Soul has skipped, and THAT is why the intensity in this life…to learn what was skipped.  I deeply feel that statement has healing power for me…!  I almost don’t want to move off of it, and go on to the rest of the post.  I will need to meditate on that one...

  Reading and responding to these posts is wearing on me, in a way that I do not understand.  I am able to focus at work 16 hours straight without a break if need be, and I have worked out with some of the premiere world-class Martial Artists in my youth, and was well able to hold my own.  However, I am finding it hard to hold my head up right now as I type, my neck is crackling and snapping, and the keyboard seems to be swaying like I am once again at Sea.  The tension of opposites is fully ignited and present, right now I feel, for I have been sitting here reading this post and Lia’s previous post for quite some time now, and seeking within myself for the honest responses that these posts deserve.
  (Did I mention that this is INTENSE for me?)

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The notion of karma yoga, or right/appropriate work on behalf of God’dess that is by definition of natural benefit to ourselves and others, is implicated in the Earth triplicity: Virgo (service), Saturn (social position/role), and Taurus (manifestation), but it is most explicitly reflected in the 6th/12th house axis: work (Virgo) on behalf of God (12th), which of course is done on behalf of others. Karma yoga becomes a natural path of evolution (for the self, AND for Universal need) near the end of the 3rd stage of the Individuated condition, which is where your Soul finds itself in the present lifetime. Mars in Taurus/2nd, Pluto in Virgo/6th, Saturn on SNode, and Pisces Moon/Jupiter/Chiron conj Pluto’s polarity point in Pisces/12th, suggest that working on behalf of others will naturally help to heal you, and that is more than okay -- it is necessary. Karma yoga is simply the right or appropriate application of natural gifts and talents given us by God. This naturally leads to a work function and social role that evolves the Soul itself, others’ Souls, and the Creation as a whole...all by our own small efforts, one step at a time (Pluto in 6th/Virgo).

  You put that so clearly.  Thank you for your time spent in posting, truly.  That makes SUCH sense.  I listened to an audio clip that is on Deva Green's website, in which her father speaks about How to Know God (http://www.devagreen.com/articles.htm).  JWG says (in paraphrase), 'Ask not what God can do for you, but what you can do for God.'  What a profound and yet simple and yet absolutely RIGHT thought!  However, to come to that thought on your own probably requires a time of travel through many many many lives, and, if I did not hear him say it, I certainly would not have thought of it!  Does that tie into the concept of naturalness in the Natural God...something being so simple and yet so profoundly RIGHT?

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The notion of the beautiful, wonderful, imperfect Natural God is a great idea for a new thread. God, as Creator of all, is the origin and source of the imperfection we personify and experience.
All that happens or occurs through application of personal will always and only occurs within the broader context of Divine Will. Thus, we don’t need to be saved or redeemed by some ‘perfect’ god in order to find healing and peace; we need only to redeem and save our concept/definition of God, in order to find the healing and peace that are our birthright.
 

Oh yes, much much more of that concept…please?

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Stephen, I would like to close by saying that you are already providing so much healing and service to all, simply by posting your chart and sharing your life experiences. I know that I, as an EA practitioner, am extremely humbled by your presence on this board. Your purity of intention and sincerity of purpose are so beautiful to behold. I hope you can see this within yourself, because you shine very brightly, and quite naturally, despite your inner experience of yourself right now, at this point in time. Your current concept of yourself will change....

  I do not see this that you say about me.  You are a brilliant Soul to say it however.  I feel like a fraud when I read it, for the only skill I bring here is the simple honesty of exposure (which is in a sense a counter-reaction to the apparent complacency of my own ego-mind), whereas you and Lia and Rad and Deva and Adina and Steve and all the rest all bring true healing to others, and are doing so voluntarily from the goodness of your own Hearts.

  The Great Mother is happy for the work that you all allow Her to do through you, of THAT I am certain.

  I am ready for this current concept of me to change.  When it does, I will post it, if interest in this thread warrants it.

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Just keep going...in the Virgo/6th house manner of your Pluto (and mine!), healing comes one small (but profound) step at a time.

  Oh Yes will I ever keep going (and you do too!)  I cannot stop, nor do I want to (nor will I allow it to happen!).  The Mother deserves to have another ‘hand’ to send Her Healing through to this Earth, and ALL of Her children.

...actually, it's a Full phase opposition between your Mars and Neptune (I knew that! I posted it in my last reply!)...the notion of right work through giving your own experiences a relevant social context is thus underscored. (Sorry!)

No Worries Mate!  (Spoken in an Australian twang!)

Thanks Lesley,
You shine very brightly,
God’dess Bless,
Stephen
« Last Edit: Jun 16, 2009, 11:08 AM by stephen » Logged
stephen
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Posts: 155


« Reply #18 on: Jun 16, 2009, 11:14 AM »

  Hello All,

  Today the ‘fugue’ of yesterday is past.  World is normal, and I can sense (due to the energies coursing through me today) that I now have to be very very careful of ego-inflation.  Yes, the pendulum now swings in the other direction...  (Manic polarization, perhaps...)  However, I can use my mind today again – the IQ diminishment has come and gone!!  (Yea!)

  I have highlighted some (currently only some) of the many points which I am studying from the posts in this thread.  These points below are what I would consider to be ‘action items’ which I need to address, as well as the supplementary information which supports those action items.
  I DO NOT plan to remain on the same sticking points, and thus have this (case study) thread become bogged down in my refusal to implement the suggested changes in ego-mind and Soul.  Rest assured, I WILL do the work…


My current review of the points listed in the posts by Rad, Lia and Lesley above:

  I am currently in 3rd Individuated, trying (desperately) to move into 1st Spiritual, and I am on the cusp of making tremendous Soul changes.  However, the attempt to move into 1st Spiritual has deeply confused my Soul.  My Soul has nothing wrong with it – it is just so utterly confused, and thus requires clarity through unraveling the Truth about the reasons for its own underlying confusion.    The bottom line of my current Soul confusion was the desire of my Soul to choose parents that would undermine, reject and ‘punish’ me for who I ACTUALLY am.
  I feel alone, but am not, for many many others have endured this Soul-pain, and thus can others relate to a lot of what I've shared so far.  What I think about myself is not what actually what I am (ie; The Confusion).  However, my current concept of myself will change, for healing comes one small (but profound) step at a time.
  I am loved and supported by the Source, as I am exactly what I should be, and there is a reason for this…what it is that I now am.

  My Soul has developed a deep and penetrating MASOCHISM, and this is the first thing I need to understand and heal, and yet this understanding/healing can happen only if I am able to unravel the source of the confusion deep within my Soul.  My Soul in different ways has been trying to minimize any egocentric importance, but THAT goal has been attempted in the past in ways that were EXTREMELY undermining, hurtful and harmful in childhood, especially in early childhood.  It is when this type of attempt falls in the 12/6th axis that it is played out in some extreme sado-masochistic ways.

  The underlying masochism is based on a deep unconscious need to ‘atone’ for something, a belief which may or may not be real, but which is possibly an intention created in a past life.  The masochism thus possibly correlates to the Judeo-Christian belief systems of the last 2000 years, based on hypocritical teachings that are almost totally against anything natural, for example, beating up the ego and beating up the life of the flesh.  Thus, my Soul believed that I had to ‘sacrifice’ all my emotions in order to be ‘good enough’ as an individual.  And, what THAT meant was that I had to DENY my actual real Soul for the sake of what I was TOLD it 'is' and how it 'should be' instead, which lead to feeling a lack and the feeling of not being good enough for some reason, and additionally feeling guilty for that.

  The CONFUSION is very paradoxical, coming from deep in the bottom layers of my consciousness, and arising out of a misunderstanding, plays itself out as an unconscious belief that something is “bad” about my very Soul as a soul.  This translates into the confused desire to end even my Soul’s existence - to give it up and make it ultimately and eternally dead.  In other words, in some ways my ‘entrapment’ is about the very WAY my Soul was trying to unconsciously evolve.  When we mix confusion and misunderstanding with some Truth, the end will none-the-less still be confusion!
  Every symbol in my chart is a double sword.  The emphasized confusion within my Soul is based on totally confused beliefs: What is God? What is the Source, and how to serve it?  How can I be 'good enough' according to the Source (what it 'wants' from me, in other words)?  However, the real issue is to become aware of the Truth concerning the underlying beliefs which I developed over the course of many many lifetimes, and how those beliefs have affected me and my whole emotional being and subjective self-image.  Additionally, in what ways THAT affected my unconscious and conscious beliefs, which themselves then caused a very contradictory and very severe masochism.  This belief structure was all based on the patriarchal God image, and those man-made laws and expected virtues, as derived through this manmade God image versus the actual NATURAL Source.
  This highly emphasized trauma (from not one but many lifetimes) actually forced my Soul to accelerate my own evolution, and this acceleration led me to ever deeper searches within my Soul.  Then, on the deepest level I felt ever more utterly alone, and felt absolutely hopeless, absolute impossible (the paradox affect), and absolutely not good enough no matter which way I tried.  Everything in the past became a total paradox, and even how I relate to myself has been almost totally oppressed/suppressed through the ways of parents, social expectations of norms and values, and by the very people that I actually wanted to serve, and this also created a deep Soul-guilt.  This created the typical ‘damned if you do’ and ‘damned if you don’t’ scenario.  When I did what my Soul felt was sincerely and honesty right, it was JUDGED WRONG, for it was against exactly what I was told I “should be doing” and in general how I “should be”.  This is the paradoxical start for the extreme confusion and the resulting masochism which my Soul is actually now working through.  However, the soul deep within knows that to serve others is to serve God.

  In order to fully understand the causative factors as related in my biography, I need to discern the difference between natural guilt and learned guilt.  To unravel that dynamic, the difference between learned versus natural guilt, and the psychological/behavioral consequence of that, is a giant key in understanding my evolutionary and life situation.  In terms of guilt, I had a prior-life abuse of personal power (power available to me through my birth family) that impacted a great number of people.  The desire for self-annihilation seems to be a response to the natural guilt within my Soul.  Additionally, as a result of the intense and deep internal guilt, I subjected myself to suicides in prior-lives.  Also, it is the sense of falling short of my own ideals of behavior which has been causing or creating the self-destructive impulse.

  My Soul is ready to purge from itself the buildup of guilt that has stalled its evolution and perpetuated traumatic life experiences.  Additionally, my Soul now sees a need to give its experiences and acquired knowledge a social context, for the sake of healing others as I myself continue to heal.  To THAT end, Astrology would be a wonderful 'karma yoga' for my Soul.  As I do this work on behalf of others, my Soul will move firmly into the 1st stage Spiritual evolutionary condition, and I will finally receive the healing my Soul needs for THAT is what God wants to give to me.

  My Soul is dealing with a double skipped step, and is also dealing with an underlying paradox relative to the current STRUCTURE of my Soul’s consciousness.  EVERYTHING in my natal chart is defined by the paradox itself, and the tension is at minimum EXTREMELY INTENSE!  Unless I understand the paradoxical nature of my Soul and unravel the reasons for these skipped steps, I will not have an objective picture of my Soul issues.
  It is possible that the paradox started when groups of people had abruptly changed the belief systems and started to ‘teach’ the new paradoxical ‘truths’ of the patriarchy, and so the DEEPEST wound of my Soul, the feminine/feeling/emotional principle, happened to my belief system, and happened when I was a woman.
  The very reason for the skipped step in the very first place was started with an unexpected ‘reward’ for a gift given by my Soul.  The gift was 'passing on' the divinity attribued to leadership to my own son, or sons, or their closest friends, and the unexpected ‘reward’ was actually being murdered by that person(S) in whom I had trusted and to whom I had given this power.  So, my Soul experienced the first trauma and the first and deepest shock when as a mother giving unconditionally out of love.  The beliefs and the total trust which my Soul had at that time were fundamentally betrayed by my instant and unexpected death by the hand of my most beloved.  My Soul thought that I must have done something wrong in order to ‘deserve’ this horrible death by the person (or persons) whom I loved the most, and THAT betrayal wounded my Soul in the deepest possible way.  However, this story is just one possible lifetime which began the paradox that led to the later lives of the anger, confusion and not being able to find solution, all the while my Soul was sinking deeper and deeper either in anger or in a self-professed need for atonement.  So my Soul’s acceleration to the 1st spiritual started through those very traumas which it experienced in the 3rd individuated, and it was this which rushed the Soul ahead in paradoxical ways.
  Eventually my Soul was trying to cut off and alienate from its own heart in order to survive, and that in itself also traumatized my Soul, but then I realized that survival without a feeling/loving heart was worth NOTHING at all, and so then my Soul wanted to kill even itself.

  One of the most important lessons which my Soul is trying to learn through all of these Soul-breaking and heart-wrenching paradoxes is seeing myself as totally EQUAL, being no more and no less than anybody else.  My Soul went through these lives, and these levels of pain, just to realize that everything is ok, for every Soul makes mistakes, every Soul has been confused, every Soul has experienced the total desperation of anguish and horror both about others and oneself.

  In this life, my Soul is culminating all of the beliefs which it had in the past, and so is trying to realize the real Source, and is trying to fully enter into the spiritual state through a conscious realization of what the Source is really all about.  Thus, one of the most important lessons to learn is not only to recover the paradoxical skipped steps, but also to be able to embrace them in a way in which my Soul can really learn to FORGIVE.  To learn to forgive everyone for their mistakes…MYSELF INCLUDED!  To learn to understand and forgive all the consequences, yet understand and embrace them with love and compassion, instead of with rejection and judgment towards my own Soul.
  One of the most important things about this is the simple knowledge that everything has another side, and this leads to the higher aspect of the paradox itself, and the paradox leads back to its own source, which is the Source of All Things…God’dess.  This lessons comes to us in order to help me and to teach me about my OWN paradoxical nature as a subjective consciousness.  I, like everyone else, learn objectivity through learning about my own subjectivity, and through it is through this that I can understand another Soul’s subjectivity, and so can see them and myself ever more objectively at the end.

  In the eyes of the Natural God’dess, we are all equal beings and equally unconditionally loved...for the mistakes of every Soul are totally equal in Her eyes.  Because our mistakes are our greatest teachers, we are simply unable to learn only from intellectual knowledge - we must learn primarily through our experiences.  Everybody on the planet has screwed up, at some point.  In the eyes of the God’dess, no one’s mistakes are any worse than anyone else’s, as it is all for the sake of learning, growth, and evolution.  Even with the mistakes made, it is a really beautiful path which we walk, leading to ever more knowledge and direct experience of the Source.

  Natural guilt is a very natural reaction to actions we took that violated Natural Law, and so natural guilt for violating Natural Law is thus part of Natural Law itself.  Thus, it is through this natural guilt that we are realigned with Natural Law and with the Source.  Natural guilt thus serves a very important purpose.  However, when a Soul gets stuck on that natural guilt (or learned guilt...any kind of guilt), then the Soul’s evolution stalls.


  A precious and profound teaching of JWG is the beautiful, wonderful, imperfect Natural God, who is compassionate, loving, and forgiving.  God, as Creator of all, is the origin and source of the imperfection we personify and experience. Therefore, ultimately there is nothing to forgive or be forgiven for.  Judgment, especially unnecessary and excessive judgment, falls away very naturally when we find -- first through intellectual concept, then as direct experience -- that God Itself is an evolving force.  Everyone (including me!) deserves, and so ultimately will receive, the healing and forgiveness that they need.    Conversely, patriarchal religions enforce the mistaken notion of a ‘perfect’ God that sits in judgment in a detached and punitive manner.  No one (including me) needs to be saved or redeemed by some ‘perfect’ God in order to find healing and peace.  Each of us only needs to redeem and save our concept/definition of God, in order to find the healing and peace that are each of our birthrights.
  All that happens or occurs through application of personal will always and only occurs within the broader context of Divine Will.

  I am a natural vehicle for healing work, and perhaps I should consider doing something with writing, as I continue to heal and progressively work to heal others as well.  Karma Yoga, or the right and appropriate work on behalf of God’dess which is by definition of natural benefit to ourselves and others, becomes a natural path of evolution (for the self, AND for Universal need) near the end of the 3rd stage of the Individuated condition, which is where my Soul finds itself in the present lifetime.  Working on behalf of others will naturally help to heal me, and that is more than okay -- it is necessary.  Karma Yoga is simply the right or appropriate application of natural gifts and talents given us by God.  This naturally leads to a work function and social role that evolves the Soul itself, others’ Souls, and the Creation as a whole...all by my own small efforts, in step with everyone else’s efforts, one step at a time.


  Thanks everyone for your help !!


                                         !!! Growth of Soul is the Goal !!!






« Last Edit: Jun 23, 2009, 07:03 AM by stephen » Logged
Lia
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« Reply #19 on: Jun 18, 2009, 05:54 PM »

Hi Stephen,

I intend to say a few more things but I work away from home during the week and have really doggy net connection and a doggy laptop as weel:-) so I can#t do it now only during the weekend.

Blessings,
Lia
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stephen
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« Reply #20 on: Jun 19, 2009, 12:08 PM »

Hi Stephen,

I intend to say a few more things but I work away from home during the week and have really doggy net connection and a doggy laptop as weel:-) so I can#t do it now only during the weekend.

Blessings,
Lia

Hiya Lia,

I look forward to ANYTHING that you have to say.

Thank you very much for your time and energy,
Blessings to You,
Stephen
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Lia
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« Reply #21 on: Jun 21, 2009, 03:16 PM »

Hi Stephen,

I sent you a message; I feel the particular ways I can suggest to heal the confusion and the resulting rage as the skipped steps in your chart would be more appropriate to pass on this way.

Blessings,

Lia
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ari moshe
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« Reply #22 on: Jun 22, 2009, 11:32 AM »

stephen, if your comfortable with it and if your ok with it too lia- post what lia wrote to you.
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stephen
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« Reply #23 on: Jun 23, 2009, 07:11 AM »

stephen, if your comfortable with it and if your ok with it too lia- post what lia wrote to you.

Sure Ari,

  I hope that this thread is interesting to everyone, and maybe even helpful.
  I asked Lia by message if anything in that post would be considered personal by her.
  Once she responds, then I can post it.  I don't see anything in her post which can't be allowed to be read here in this thread, thus continuing this process of 'simple honest exposure.'

God'dess Bless,
Stephen
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Lia
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« Reply #24 on: Jun 24, 2009, 05:40 PM »

Hi Stephen and Ari,

Well I just thought it might be too long here; some people can summarise their thoughts in a shorter way, for me it doesn't work that way:-)

Anyhow, it is up to you guys; I thought it could benefit Stephan if I share all that with him but felt it may be too long winded to put it up here...my aim was to help Stephen's soul if I can......I hope it was meaningful for him......but I didn't mean to take up so much space here and maybe bore someone else....anyhow, no secret just that's the reason...if there is an interest however, sure of course share it Stephen.

(PS: if I could I would make things shorter, -- but that's unlikely to happen in this life:-))

Love and blessings,
Lia
« Last Edit: Jun 24, 2009, 06:06 PM by Lia » Logged
stephen
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« Reply #25 on: Jun 25, 2009, 05:33 PM »

Well I just thought it might be too long here; some people can summarise their thoughts in a shorter way, for me it doesn't work that way:-)
(PS: if I could I would make things shorter, -- but that's unlikely to happen in this life:-))

Helpful Lia,

  Oh no...don't go making your posts shorter...make 'em longer. Wink

  I for one love to read your postings. 
  Keep it up, you are a benefit to everyone on this board, of that I am certain, and you are benefitting me, that I absolutely know!

Quote
I thought it could benefit Stephan if I share all that with him but felt it may be too long winded to put it up here...my aim was to help Stephen's soul if I can......I hope it was meaningful for him......if there is an interest however, sure of course share it Stephen.

  Your posts HAVE helped me, and as I reread them, they CONTINUE to help me.

  It is funny, in a way, the juxtapostion:
    I have little to say, and my posts are short on EA, but I am trying to say more,
    and you have a lot to say, and your posts are long on EA, but you are thinking of saying less!! Cheesy

  Keep typing and we will keep reading,
and you will keep helping and we will keep getting helped!

God'dess Bless,
Stephen
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ari moshe
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« Reply #26 on: Jun 26, 2009, 10:17 AM »

Hi all,

Lia brought up the atlantis connection with the sn of neptune. I was wondering if Stephan was once a scientist/spiritualist type leader on Atlantis who was perhaps arrogant- and glorified of his genius abilities/ the abilities of his society?

He would have been responsible for development and innovation of some kind- and people were reliant on him and he was well known.

he may have experienced a fall from grace as he himself become overly arrogant and ignored the obvious signs that were screaming "change your ways". what then happened was a great trauma and imprinted a feeling of guilt in his soul. i think he would have been very effected not just by his own death- by watching his way of life fail, the very paradigm that he was so invested in, fall to pieces.

Hope you don't mind such a direct question Stephan!

i just now remembered that i had a dream last night in which jwg said "80% of all people are born with ptsd" i was wondering if someone could speak to that statement in any way.
(the rest of the dream involved me piercing both my nostrils. what are nostrils associated with?)
::MODIFIATION: I JUST REALIZED THAT I PROBABLY READ THAT IN DEVA'S BOOK AS I WAS FALLING ASLEEP!:: Cheesy
« Last Edit: Jun 27, 2009, 10:01 AM by ari moshe » Logged
Lia
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« Reply #27 on: Jun 26, 2009, 06:21 PM »

Hi Ari,

In my view there is truth in what you are saying here regarding an earlier period when the soul was in the 2nd individuated...the nature of that state is quiet problematic indeed....the individuation process of the soul indeed overlaps those times;  so the prior period the 2nd individuated points to the time when the soul could belong only the alienated, eclectic, nihilist, arrogant and fundamentally rebelling groups at those times YES to that...along with the abilities that were offered to this group in a careless self centered way (5th leo uranus ruling saturn and s.node in 11th in aq: groups basically outside of society creating their own society) and yes, of course in 5th house leo way, awaiting personal acknowledgment for the abilities and of course the result was not only receiving unexpected trauma instead but indeed being a part of the group who traumatised everyone else those times......the 3rd individuated re-integration attempt to society (saturn on s.node) started after that time and started with trauma....so this as I see it started during the early egyptians times =neptune in scorp. ruled by 6th pluto=already trying to atone for something regarding the earlier evolutionary period, trying to 'serve and give selflessly' (lilith conj. pluto in virgo) and yet, that time once again serving (6th house) out of illusion (pluto rules neptune in 8th) more or less the same aim that the atlantis group was about.....lilith conj. lucifer in 6th; blinding the soul.....

....every evolutionary period comes out from the earlier one....so the current closure of the 3rd individuated came out of the earlier  2nd individuated ...,.one step comes after another....which is true for every soul....So yes, in a sense I do agree to what you are saying Ari.

But if we understand the fact that north node (of moon) conj. venus in leo in 5th, while venus itself ALSO conj. to its own south node in leo (but it falls to the 4th house) it becomes clear that the past and the present comes in 'full circle' regarding venus in leo.....it is about both, self actualisation and the issues of the 'heart'.....while the neptune skipped step is the higher octave of venus....sun ruler of both the south node of venus and current venus/conj. north node, it becomes clear that the soul is destined to "go back" somewhere and start a new cycle within this symbolism ...but it's intended to do it now in a different way....for it's not a circle it is a spiral, the evolutionary spiral on which we reach a higher level as we go 'around'.....coming back means we have come to full circle and we are now on a different level.....

Neptune's resolution node is the north node in 5th in leo conj. venus: it is to do with the need to re-open and renew the heart but in a different way......while mars resolution node is the s.node; to join groups once again but now those groups that truly serve humanity,  not just say so; that bring indeed liberation not just promise so....for THAT was the individual understanding (uranus) and the belief (neptune) of the soul....
Saturn and neptune are retro in the chart...

Mars is ruled by venus (in the present as well as in the past!) Mars' south node is libra 7th house; the outer side of venus in the past, and the inner side of venus in the present via the taurus mars......so we are going back to venus in many different ways....the soul is destined to come back and resolve the underlying 'heart issues' and 'self actualisation' issues, to be able to do it in the right way......behind which is the inner and outer relationship with oneself and with others ....question is what is the base for any of these relationships?

The underlying problem is that both was wrong and both led to further traumas; when it was about others and their feedback it was wrong, and when it was about oneself it was also wrong.....so the solution in short is that, as long as venus is not 'rooted'  in the right 'place' (the Divine itself= which is symbolically neptune of course the higher octave of venus) none of the skipped steps can be resolved...nor can the ppp. be achieved in the right way....
When the ultimate 'value' of existence is rooted in anything else but the Divine itself it will lead to disillusionment and trauma in one way or another.....that's what the sun's ruler moon in pisces in 12th conj. ppp  trying to teach: the divine must come FIRST and everything comes only AFTER that .....if that lesson is not resolved the misplaced trust and the wrongly projected ideals will continue along with the confusion/disillusionment/trauma/anger/guilt so all the grand cross patterns ...

That's why the service/atonement intent was distorted in the past and lead to even more of the above instead of improvement....

Well, at least that's how I see it....:-)

Blessings,

Lia





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stephen
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« Reply #28 on: Jun 27, 2009, 05:44 AM »

Hi all,

Lia brought up the atlantis connection with the sn of neptune. I was wondering if Stephan was once a scientist/spiritualist type leader on Atlantis who was perhaps arrogant- and glorified of his genius abilities/ the abilities of his society?
He would have been responsible for development and innovation of some kind- and people were reliant on him and he was well known.
he may have experienced a fall from grace as he himself become overly arrogant and ignored the obvious signs that were screaming "change your ways". what then happened was a great trauma and imprinted a feeling of guilt in his soul. i think he would have been very effected not just by his own death- by watching his way of life fail, the very paradigm that he was so invested in, fall to pieces.
Hope you don't mind such a direct question Stephan!

Hi Ari,

Not only do I not mind such direct questions, I absolutely welcome them.  (This type of 'simple honest exposure', which I am *appropriately* carrying over into my daily life, is very refreshing for me, and very very freeing, by the way!!)  The description that you give of 'me' in that previous life resonates with me, and seems to be a type of person that I may have been, but unfortunately I do not have any actual experience in uncovering (and experiencing) the details of THAT particular life...yet. Wink

I thank you very much for applying your energies to this chart.  I am myself trying to build up an understanding of this chart, in the systematic 'Planetary Method of Chart Interpreation' way, but am still in the process of streaming the EA basics into my mind, so to speak.  The analogy seems to be that I am building a little building-shaped pile of sand, and I sit back from the effort, and look over, and there is a skyscraper built by Lia, rather intricate and intense, in detail.  So, I just smile (a slight smile), and lean back in, and pat the sides of my little sand-building, and keep going.

Blessings Be Upon You, Ari,
And All who read this,
Stephen
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stephen
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« Reply #29 on: Jun 27, 2009, 06:04 AM »

stephen, if your comfortable with it and if your ok with it too lia- post what lia wrote to you.

I thought it could benefit Stephan if I share all that with him but felt it may be too long winded to put it up here...my aim was to help Stephen's soul if I can......I hope it was meaningful for him......but I didn't mean to take up so much space here and maybe bore someone else....anyhow, no secret just that's the reason...if there is an interest however, sure of course share it Stephen.

Hi All,

Here is the first message from Lia.

And thank you thank you once again, Lia.

Blessings,
Stephen


Hi Stephen,

I was thinking how to put it in words what I wanted to say, sorry I tried to shorten it but somehow I just couldn’t:-)) neptune is transiting my 3rd so everything I try to say becomes such long winded sorry:-))
Hope you can bear with me:-)

 I wanted to add some clarification of the issues for I feel it can be (once again) kind of confusing and contradictory for you....:-)

Well typically what we attract/create as an ‘outer occurrence’  so even in the form of so called ‘others’ in our lives WILL ALWAYS reflect in hidden ways some of OUR OWN underlying issues.....
So for you confusion (pisces ppp. conj. moon, self image, chiron, wound, jup, truths/beliefs, all that ruled by neptune in the 8th and in scorpio a soul who is fundamentally confused about itself) has been in simple ways reflected.....as well as the underlying contradiction (aq. s.node in 11th, contradicting the contradiction which all came out of confusion) so that too has been reflected here as I see it:-))

One of the ‘tricks’ how god/ess (neptune/pisces) manifest in our lives is this hidden reflection......our confusions will be reflected (neptune) and yet WITHIN THAT there will be real piscean messages relative to us, relative to the consciousness we have, relative to our ability to perceive the message (so relative to our evolutionary state etc. all that is included) and yet still it will be something that pisces brings to us in a hidden yet direct way right from the Source....

Unravelling the confusion of your soul and SORTING OUT the issues about both the imagined and then the real guilt; understanding the truth about the difference and then according to that sorting out what and how needs to be improved an in which order etc. is the evolutionary intent in the DEEPEST layers, (pluto and ppp) however on the overlapping layers are the nodes which can give you a more easily embracable framework on the more conscious level.....

On that note I’d like to ask a few simple 6th house questions for analyses

So the sorting out questions I’d like to pose are:
According to what kind of correlation inheritance can be uranus in leo?
Inheritance itself is scorpio, then of course pluto and 8th house is the archetypal correlation.

If the scorp. neptune would be in the 5th house for example, then it would be possible to refer to it as some sort of deflationary power the soul inherited from father figures within patriarchy, but the 5th house is not scorpio, and uranus is not about inheritance. Uranus in itself is about OBJECTIVITY, above all, and then the implications as how objectivity is usually embraced and to what level within consciousness. So friends for example are a uranian archetype simply because friendship in itself provides a very different way of looking at oneself not via merging with the other soul, but via allowing their individual sense affecting us and via the interaction between friends some sort of objectivity (because it is more than one person that friendship applies to so the very diversity of the uranian/aquarian symbol provides a group related feedback with DIVERSITY which indeed does help to gain more objectivity than what one can gain from it’s family members, or loved ones, or one’s own subjective self perception)
Uranus of course also correlates to trauma, usually huge trauma, BECAUSE the truth is that objectivity is the most TRAUMATISING factor to subjectivity....it just simply is. And that’s simply because our consciousness IN ANY AND EVER LEVEL is fundamentally subjective...yes even on the soul level! For we are a separate/individual soul=consciousness particles that experiences (pluto) creation (pisces) from our own individual point of view. The symbolism of pluto being far apart in the distance correlates to what’s HIDDEN in our view...our own subjectivity! And of course that individual point of view (even on the soul level) creates AN INDIVIDUAL reality that is totally relative to the view point OF WHERE THE SOUL IS WITNESSING AND EXPERIENCING IT FROM. It is fundamentally subjective in other words. #

And yet the aim of the soul is to experience itself and be able to view and witness creation (that it is a part of!) in ever widening perspectives, i.e. it has an underlying inner desire (the desire that draws the soul back to the source simply HAS this aspect) to gain ever greater OBJECTIVITY. For only via embracing objectivity it can lead to the soul to view itself as it really is; i.e. eventually viewing creation and itself within it ever more closer to HOW god/ess sees it.....with ever broadening objectivity....that is via REMOVING layers and layers and layers from the EMOTIONALLY BIASED subjectivity thru which the soul experiences everything.....that’s of course the heart of the paradox itself....we are emotional beings and we supposed to embrace objectivity INTO THAT emotionally driven consciusness that we are.....

That’s what every single trauma is actually attempting behind the scenes; something about the objective reality HITS US and it usually hits our subjective reality so hard that we can’t even comprehend it so it all SINKS into the unconscious (uranus) because the whatever current conscious capacity is simply NOT ABLE TO either, assimilate it, let alone understand it.....it just bang, hurts and traumatises us (well what on earth can be traumatised OTHER than our emotional being? ) and then because of that whatever trauma we try to 1) alienate on that very spot, in order to avoid further traumas, 2) because we alienate on the conscious level, it all sinks to the unconscious, and in essence WE WILL CARRY IT FORWARD and paradoxically (of course!:-) it will then DEFINE from the depth of our individualised unconscious the very STRUCTURE of our conscious consciousness. It always does WE JUST DON’T KNOW IT.  Why? Because aquarius in ITSELF actually contains saturn. The blueprint (uranus) of our life and within that the time and space related possibilities in THAT life span (saturn) is defined by the relationship between aquarius and capr. between uranus and saturn....In other words, aq. is the ‘fine matter’ if we like to call it that way, or the astral body, the astral overall blueprint which will manifest via saturn (our ‘taking from’ in that particular life within a particular framework of time and space reality manifesting as x.z. person,. carrying the whole soul context etc. etc....so the structural nature of saturn is actually blueprinted in uranus.....what we consciously KNOW is connected to the context of what we individually as a soul have in our subconscious......that which is just OUTSIDE of our conscious consciousness. That’s where the individuality actually ‘originates’ so to speak; ALL the unconscious experiences, unconscious memories, knowledge, the level of objectivity the soul embraced in prior lives, including the traumas and the attempts to alienate something in some ways if it hurt too much.....

Uranus in itself is on the one hand pointing what hurt too much, what we couldn’t  assimilate on the other hand of course the level of objectivity and based on that the level of individuality that the soul unconsciously acquired in the past....nothing comes free in the subjective journey of evolution:-) Objectivity can not be learn via detached pondering:-)....that’s only mental entertainment....in reality, objectivity comes to us by literally BLOWING US OUT OF OUR (PREVIOUS) REALITY BOUNDARIES...what we built up /created/believed etc. that reality was or could be....Uranus is quiet OUTSIDE of that boundary.....that’s why it causes trauma and that’s why it (at the end) promotes objectivity even if that hurts and blows apart our whatever framework of reality.....it has to for otherwise we would not be able see THAT part of the objective reality.....

The real issue here is the imaginary inheritance as it was PERCEIVED BY OTHERS at the time of the turning point from matriarchy to patriarchy (that neptune rules MOON and JUP in 12th!) so that is the inheritance the soul passed on to it’s children (leo is always GIFT in some ways, in some form....only when pluto or scorpio falls to teh 5th there can be the kind of inheritance that the soul receives and will enable the soul to either abuse or use)

The leo uranus as the ruler of the s.node in the 5th relates to both indeed, fathers within the patriarchy (and when that was the fathers, well those kind of fathers literally RIPPED THE HEART OUT of the soul, causing such trauma usually in childhood or youth, which was always related to people the soul dearly loved...back to ruler sun, in cancer: the whole thing has ALWAYS BEEN DEEPLY EMOTIONAL   yes family members back and forth has been involved, like sister and brothers for example but not exclusively......for example the life time Stephen recalled in the Viking age, started with the experience of having witnessed or witnessed the result of having it’s own children (leo and 5th house) being mercilessly MASSACRED by some relative who were jealous INDEED jealous of the possible inheritance of those children (i.e. the murder was done in order to secure the ‘royal bloodline’ for themselves as they were brothers of the soul......the emotional implication in here once again being once deepest trust totally and fundamentally BETRAYED (scorp. neptune in 8th) for it was once again based on the confused belief of family relation, as something ultimately sacred and worth for placing all the values (neptune in scorpio! whom the soul merged/aligned with always had the ILLUSIONARY value; i.e. TOO MUCH VALUE HAS BEEN PLACED ON HUMAN ALLIANCES. That’s why the objective reality (relative to the underlying illusion where the too much value has been placed) had to hit back where it HURT MOST so that the soul had NO CHOICE  BUT TO EMBRACE THE OBJECTIVE REALITY AT LAST....via a horrific trauma to the heart....the level of trauma is symbolically when one’s heart is RIPPED OUT OF ONE’S CHEST ALIVE.....JUST LIKE THAT...every single prior impulse of JOY, LOVE AND CREATIVE SELF ACTUALISATION intent relative to HOW the soul perceived it FROM IT’S VERY HEART (for that’s the whole issue this whole evolutionary chapter is the ‘story of the heart’ leo, 5th house, look at the symbolism here: venus (which is also heart!!) came BACK to it’s s.node....and yet that very venus is conj. to the moon’s n.node....the story, the evolutionary chapter that is culminating in the 12th house is the confusion based determination of WHAT LOVE AND COMING FROM THE HEART actually MEANS....that’s where the misunderstanding lies....

That’s what this chart is actually about....of course all that is about improvement ...but it is very important to recognise what this is and what this is not about....it’s about not knowing something and because of that misunderstanding the WHOLE meaning of what the deepest love (scorpio, 8th house) means because neptune is there....the confusion to begin with....and than the soul’s nature i.e. self actualisation have been taken place via ACTING FROM THE HEART based on the illusion that human love equal to divine love.........wanting to actualise itself in loving, generous ways but of course within a highly SUBJECTIVE (5th house) reality which than caused such a heart breaking and heart ripping trauma that the soul could neither comprehend nor could it resolve...

So what happened for example in the Viking life was the following: the loving heart of the soul was LITERALLY BLOWN OUT OF IT’S CHEST by witnessing/becoming aware of the massacre that was intended to look like an accident and yet the soul became aware of the REAL reason: the relatives (brothers) murdering each one of them....the PAIN AND THE UNSPEAKABLE RAGE that this cause to the soul has never ended in that life.....it WAS VIOLENTLY RAGING until it’s own violent death in that life....killing everything and everybody....of course starting with the murderers, the brothers and sisters who killed his children.....the soul literally WANTED TO RIP IT’S OWN HEART OFF after the facts for it realised that it’s own ability TO LOVE AND TO TRUST caused the unspeakable pain and horror....so as funny as is the soul was now trying to RIP IT’S OWN HEART, i.e. to never ever again LOVE ANYBODY AND NEVER AGAIN BEING LOVED BY ANYONE so that the pain can not be repeated.....for if one doesn’t love the way the soul did, it ‘figured’ only that can prevent this kind of unbearable pain to ever happen again....
So again, it is the story of human love, seeing with the heart, loving from the heart projecting (venus0 one’s own generous nature onto others from a subjective 5th house, self cantered point of view (and yet indeed that point IN THIS CASE is truly about love...limited perception yes BUT truly within that reality the soul wanted NOTHING but to give to others from it’s heart...to everybody relative to how it viewed everybody....which of course was quiet different than HOW OTHERS wanted to be ‘given to’....i.e. the soul had a rulership in that time which WAS NOT inherited the soul earned it via it’s own individual capacity (uranus in leo) and yet it indeed became a symbol FOR OTHERS as something to inherit FROM THE SOUL...so that’s why it’s children (sons actually for it happened in the patriarchal times) has been murdered for....just for being the sons of the ‘leader‘....

So that’s what missing from the past life recall....the reason of course is because that’s uranus itself THAT’S what the soul was trying to detach from at all cost the pain, the pain of having it’s heart being ripped off alive.....

So the ‘solution’ was indeed trying to detach to never ever love again....to be shut down to not to care about anything and anybody ever again FOR THAT APPEARED (neptune) the most horrible source of pain ever...if I don’t love ever again no one can hurt me.....that was the second way of trying to ‘improve’ after the first skipped step by neptune....

Then trying to INTELLECTUALISE everything...trying to live without a heart and the soul was trying to make sure that unconsciously (pluto) that the love will not develop in CHILDHOOD for of course that’s where it starts....leo is coming out of cancer....how we relate to others, i.e. our parents in childhood (moon0) conditions (saturn) our social awareness and our way of relating to others...so pluto opp. moon has this underlying intention....i.e. what has been symbolised by uranus in leo (which happened in many ways in many different lives of course) created a DESIRE to DETACH from one’s own heart...so that no subjective heart cantered reality will develop and no one can hurt me THAT way again....and of course the result is the saturn: consciousness that is trying to intellectualise and alienate from basically everything....that saturn of course rules the 10th house.....while being part of society in actual reality being TOTALLY ALIENATED from it....intellectually making sense, intellectually trying to live life and trying to convince oneself that this is the right way (of course the unconscious has the memories but that isn’t conscious, as to the whys)

So again, this is a chapter in the soul’s evolution as I see it which tells a long long story of how one’s own heart can be perceived as the most horrible thing ever, and trying to ’get rid of it’ ....yet of course the real issue here is that THIS IS HOW the soul structured....it is not REALLY the heart that was wrong, it is not really love and joy that the soul needs to alienate from, IT IS THE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT THAT MEANS and the WAYS how it can be approached differently....so alas, the story follows in the way as it is: venus in leo in 5th is just completed it’s full circle on it’s own s.node....that’s where it started from a long time ago and now it came back drawing a full circle.....and of course it is conj. to n.node ...so NO WAY to avoid that:-) BUT what needs to be embraced is the fact that evolution is not a circle...it is actually a SPIRAL...so it is a different level now that venus came back to it’s s.node it is a different way that needs to be now embraced and instead of being stuck in the limitations of the past, now understanding the message differently:
It is actually very true in ESSENCE what the soul realised at the first place at the time of the original Lilith symbol; it can be put in a way that: serving others (virgo pluto conj. Lilith both ruled by mercury in the 3rd) doesn’t mean much unless it comes from love...that’s the conscious realisation and implementation via sun in cancer ruling venus and uranus in the 5th in leo....
The ‘story’ (we all have a story in our soul by the way we experience and make sense of that story via our jup...we may make right or wrong sense that depends...the story is the same it is just how we interpret it at any time..) so the story of that venus on its own s.node is about SEEING OTHERS VIA THE HEART, THROUGH LOVE....
And indeed there is a lot of truth and value in that...for we can’t see the essence unless we are able to see with the heart...seeing and living through the heart indeed is the only way to really enjoy life and to see what’s ‘invisible’ for the eyes....so that bit is fundamentally true indeed.
HOWEVER, the problem of course came from right there...yet the reality is not about trying to rip one’s heart out just because it hasn’t seen everything and that heart APPEARED (neptune!) to be the course of the trouble....the real cause is about the LEVEL OF OBJECTIVITY that the heart needs in order to be able to embrace a greater chunk of the objective reality and with that embraced BE STILL LOVING....be still willing to chose love, be still willing to actualise itself VIA THE VERY HEART how it feels right and what love MEANS is what need to be evolved instead of detaching from the heart and trying to make it never to love again....

So all the confusion about the guilt, about the horrors deep in the unconscious (one is about believing loving too much, and yet it is not about loving too much it is about missing the ULTIMATE goal, i.e. the ultimate value can not be placed on ANY human being...even if that human being is our child, or our most beloved....God/ess is in all of us and not in one or another person...so placing that ULTIMATE value and trust into God/ess itself instead of misplacing it into humans will resolve the underlying confusion....and with that in place the soul can and destined to LOVE fully again...but differently now with a more evolved consciousness ....

(cont. in the next message)



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